Why do I feel used?

Seriously.

I want to know.

Because, well, here's my situation:

In the beginning of the school year, I had many friends.

More friends than I think I've ever had at one time.

People were being nice to me, I was popular, for the most part.

Then, a friend and I have a "fight?" over a guy who was my friend.

MY FRIEND.

She liked him at the same time that we started talking.

Anyways, that took away so many of my friends, I was depressed.

That's when time just started to fly by.

Towards the end of the year, many people were "realizing who their real friends are."

Now, I like the fact that I'm a good friend,

but I always was.

I never acted any differently, I never did anything abnormal to my normal lifestyle.

So why is it now that people start thinking I'm a real friend?

Is it because your friends left you or something?

Is it because you felt sorry for me and thought that I needed a friend?

Seriously, I want to know.

Because obviously, the friend I was before you had an epiphany was different than the one I was.

I want to know so that I can be that way in the beginning of next year.

And why is it that people think that I'm such a bad person?

I was DEPRESSED!

I was clinically depressed for about 3-4 years and now, I'm just depressed.

I think I only have like, 3 friends.

Honestly.

People tend to get bored with me and you know what?

That's the person you were friends with initially.

I help my friends...A LOT.

I give more than I take.

Is that a bad thing?

Because the feeling of being used is right there.

My friends are going to be there for me, yeah, but is it because you feel obliged or because you feel like, "Hey, Jen's sad so so am I."

I get sad when my friends are sad,

I harbor their problems and make them my own so they get a little weight lifted off their shoulders and it's added to mine.

My friends are probably the most troubled group in the whole state.

I have to deal with that.

I have no self esteem whatsoever, and I feel like I can stand up for others, not myself.

Sometimes, I just want to tell some people to shut up and suck it up, you know why?

Because you'll get over it.

People get over things, some people just keep them in mind longer than most.

And that annoys me so much.

I'm a very irritable person if you haven't noticed yet.

Here's my list of annoyances:

1)How my step mom thinks she knows everything about face care.

And everything about my face.

She's so wrong.

2)My step brother's singing.

3)Having to repeat myself constantly when you can hear me just fine if you were paying attention.

4)Boy problems (obviously not my own).

5)People using me.

6)Acting like everything's fine.

7)Making bad first impressions.

8)Stupid people.

9)People texting or talking on their phones when I'm visiting them. (No wonder why I'm bored).

10)People thinking that sometimes what I write is about other people, when it's really about you.

And then you ask, "Who is this? When am I going to beat that person up?" Whenever you can punch yourself in the gut.

11)Whenever people stress over getting what, TWO pimples?

I've lived with it, you should too.

Those are just small things that bother me.

I would like to think of myself as laid back.

Not many people would probably agree though.

You know, I'm trying to get over my depression, I really am.

But you know what?

I think that this summer is going to be my "self improvement" time.

I want to lose 30 lbs,

dress better,

look nicer,

have better skin,

get my teeth whitened,

and hopefully that will boost my self confidence.

So far, I've done pilates, gone running about 4 miles(?) sprinting every 30 seconds,

gone to the mall and bought REALLY GOOD CLOTHES,

I'm going to the dermatologist (even though I think Nina doesn't want to take me, she thinks it's all hormones...hormones my a**),

and I'm going to the mall again to get more make up and whitening things (? HAHA)

Hopefully life will finally start a new life.