So on to a different topic...

Drama part two.

There are people that say that they hate drama,

every aspect of it.

But then there are certain people that say it and think they mean it,

or there are people like me who truely think it's a waste of time.

See, some people start it for the heck of it.

Just because it's funny to see their reactions.

Personally, I think that we should all just chill out.

I almost never have drama, only because I avoid it as well as I can possibly do.

That's why I barely have any friends.

Because there aren't people who feel sorry for me and my problems.

If you feel sorry for me because of who I am, go on ahead.

But if you feel sorry for me just because I just broke up with a boyfriend (HAHAHA), then don't.

You'd just be wasting your time.

What I don't get is how people that get sad over something pointless,

when people out there are doing drugs and are getting drunk.

Maybe they don't feel like they can handle those problems.

But that doesn't mean that those people don't want attention,

maybe they're doing it for attention,idk.

But what I do know, is that idiots who write poems like this, "As I looked into your eyes

I knew something was wrong

And then you said goodbye

We had been together too long

You said you didn't feel for me

The same way I did for you

And after years of our love

We were actually through

I said you won't go

You said you can't stay

But how was I supposed to know

It would all end that day

I told you how much I would miss

Each and every day

And that was when we kissed

And you turned and walked away.

She knows who she is so no names

peace-​love-​happyness-​nick

oh and also some please help me with my back ground like some one ask me and i will give you my info for you to change it thanx"

OH MY GOODNESS.

Why?

He writes crap like that because he's bored. I write because I'm depressed. That might be true but hey, I tell it like it is, no holding back.

So in the end...

1)don't start drama, it'll only screw people into hating you

2)don't be mean to me because you'll regret it...I know how to handle myself.

For a friend.

I feel sick to my stomach knowing that you're such a jerk to me,

knowing that you only think this is a one way street,

the way we can't have an actual conversation without it being about you and your problems but you know what?

I'm done.

I'm done with you and your crap that i have to put up with and honestly,

if you only have one side of your life filled in, how are you expecting to finish it?

Honestly, you used me.

I was your little puppet or a kleenex you put your tears in.

You were never truly there for me!

You never cared about my problems and my life!

You showed slight concern but what does that do?

It puts me in the position of feeling like you've used me.

You don't think I didn't drop hints?

Your whole life revolves around everything stereotypical and pointless.

I'm serious, how long was your last actual conversation without anything getting in the way?

I'd love to see the day that you actually go broke because that's the day when you'll really need me but you know what?

I won't be there.

I'm not a last resort,

I'm not someone that you can take advantage of.

I helped but that just never seems like enough, does it?

No, not at all.

You think that everything in life is about you or pretty close to it.

If I ever have a problem, you aren't going to be the first person to go to.

I'm just a dent in a car.

You can see it but you just don't have the effort to fix it.

I do have feelings,

I cry more than you know,

I'm actually sensitive but I'm strong to help you out,

I put my feelings aside to help you.

All you ever seem to do is smile and laugh, put it aside and forget anything ever happened.

The next time you're in trouble I won't be there to help.

Have a nice life.

Woo!

Ok so here's a little update:

1) I made a new youtube video :D

2) Going to the dermatologist tomorrow :)

3) Going to Colorado on the 13th

4) HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

haha

anddd....

You should go to here for a contest for a new blog header!

Also, here for the cooliest website ever. no joke.

:) that is all

Why do I feel used?

Seriously.

I want to know.

Because, well, here's my situation:

In the beginning of the school year, I had many friends.

More friends than I think I've ever had at one time.

People were being nice to me, I was popular, for the most part.

Then, a friend and I have a "fight?" over a guy who was my friend.

MY FRIEND.

She liked him at the same time that we started talking.

Anyways, that took away so many of my friends, I was depressed.

That's when time just started to fly by.

Towards the end of the year, many people were "realizing who their real friends are."

Now, I like the fact that I'm a good friend,

but I always was.

I never acted any differently, I never did anything abnormal to my normal lifestyle.

So why is it now that people start thinking I'm a real friend?

Is it because your friends left you or something?

Is it because you felt sorry for me and thought that I needed a friend?

Seriously, I want to know.

Because obviously, the friend I was before you had an epiphany was different than the one I was.

I want to know so that I can be that way in the beginning of next year.

And why is it that people think that I'm such a bad person?

I was DEPRESSED!

I was clinically depressed for about 3-4 years and now, I'm just depressed.

I think I only have like, 3 friends.

Honestly.

People tend to get bored with me and you know what?

That's the person you were friends with initially.

I help my friends...A LOT.

I give more than I take.

Is that a bad thing?

Because the feeling of being used is right there.

My friends are going to be there for me, yeah, but is it because you feel obliged or because you feel like, "Hey, Jen's sad so so am I."

I get sad when my friends are sad,

I harbor their problems and make them my own so they get a little weight lifted off their shoulders and it's added to mine.

My friends are probably the most troubled group in the whole state.

I have to deal with that.

I have no self esteem whatsoever, and I feel like I can stand up for others, not myself.

Sometimes, I just want to tell some people to shut up and suck it up, you know why?

Because you'll get over it.

People get over things, some people just keep them in mind longer than most.

And that annoys me so much.

I'm a very irritable person if you haven't noticed yet.

Here's my list of annoyances:

1)How my step mom thinks she knows everything about face care.

And everything about my face.

She's so wrong.

2)My step brother's singing.

3)Having to repeat myself constantly when you can hear me just fine if you were paying attention.

4)Boy problems (obviously not my own).

5)People using me.

6)Acting like everything's fine.

7)Making bad first impressions.

8)Stupid people.

9)People texting or talking on their phones when I'm visiting them. (No wonder why I'm bored).

10)People thinking that sometimes what I write is about other people, when it's really about you.

And then you ask, "Who is this? When am I going to beat that person up?" Whenever you can punch yourself in the gut.

11)Whenever people stress over getting what, TWO pimples?

I've lived with it, you should too.

Those are just small things that bother me.

I would like to think of myself as laid back.

Not many people would probably agree though.

You know, I'm trying to get over my depression, I really am.

But you know what?

I think that this summer is going to be my "self improvement" time.

I want to lose 30 lbs,

dress better,

look nicer,

have better skin,

get my teeth whitened,

and hopefully that will boost my self confidence.

So far, I've done pilates, gone running about 4 miles(?) sprinting every 30 seconds,

gone to the mall and bought REALLY GOOD CLOTHES,

I'm going to the dermatologist (even though I think Nina doesn't want to take me, she thinks it's all hormones...hormones my a**),

and I'm going to the mall again to get more make up and whitening things (? HAHA)

Hopefully life will finally start a new life.

And the truth is, I just don't care.

Okay, so us women have our guy problems.

I'm going through one right now with one of my best friend's ex's.

No, we don't like each other, he's just the biggest jerk I've ever known.

He and I never got along in the first place.

The reason?

He smells really bad, he thinks so highly of himself, and he just...doesn't know when to stop.

I have no idea what attracted her to him but all I can say is that he better be out of my life.

My friend has a tendency to...well...go out with guys that won't help her emotionally.

She is probably one of the more emotionally unstable people I know of,

she is one of the most sensitive people I know about,

and she's just a great person who doesn't deserve to be treated the way she does.

I think that she kind of sets herself up for it.

Like, all of us friends try to warn her about a guy,

but I think she's too concerned about not being single

and is caught up in liking somebody.

Now, I wouldn't have much of a problem with this but you haven't met the guys she dates.

The guys she dates are just rude.

They come across as nice but when they're going out with her, she's blinded by

"love" and doesn't even want to believe it.

She tries but it's too hard.

My friend is too fragile and needs guys that will be good to her AND her friends.

She tends to pick the guy who other people don't necessarily like.

She's lucky that she's so nice but...they may take advantage of her.

She ends up "loving" the guy who was so mean to her.

She bad mouthed about him every time he talked to her and what happens?

They date.

Yay...

Her and guys are like pasta and dirt, they don't mix well together.

She always feels like she needs to improve herself for others,

like she needs to change.

Change is a good thing once in a while but I think she's fine the way she is,

she doesn't need to keep changing.

Perhaps this is just not the way to go,

ranting on about her flaws.

She's a wonderful person,

she's beautiful and it makes me SO jealous.

I'm not even lying.

She is just the luckiest person in the world because she has so many people who love her

and once in a while, it would be nice for her to realize that.

She was or maybe still is depressed but I think she pretty much has no real reason to be.

She was a lucky one in the depression department.

She got the light side and yet she cut.

See, I was clinically depressed, I think she's just depressed but, I never once cut myself.

It doesn't mean I didn't hurt myself in some way but permanent scarring is just...not the right way to go.

All this post was supposed to do is state that people have problems and they handle it in different ways.

The title?

Oh.

It means that I'm such an unsensitive person that I don't care about the small things people whine about.

The insignificant details that don't mean a thing yet they make themselves believe that it's the worst hting in the world i.e. a boy breaking up with you.

I have to admit, it hurts but don't make yourself go crazy over something so small that will only make you stronger?

Ok this post is long enough, havea great day :)

EDIT:

What I said about my friend is completely observations and opinions which may or may not be true.

Clinically whaaa??!!?!

When we refer to depression in the following pages, we are talking about "clinical depression." Clinical depression is a serious medical illness that negatively affects how you feel, the way you think and how you act. Individuals with clinical depression are unable to function as they used to. Often they have lost interest in activities that were once enjoyable to them, and feel sad and hopeless for extended periods of time. Clinical depression is not the same as feeling sad or depressed for a few days and then feeling better. It can affect your body, mood, thoughts, and behavior. It can change your eating habits, how you feel and think, your ability to work and study, and how you interact with people. People who suffer from clinical depression often report that they "don't feel like themselves anymore."

Clinical depression is not a sign of personal weakness, or a condition that can be willed away. Clinically depressed people cannot "pull themselves together" and get better. In fact, clinical depression often interferes with a person's ability or wish to get help. Clinical depression is a serious illness that lasts for weeks, months and sometimes years. It may even influence someone to contemplate or attempt suicide.

People of all ages, genders, ethnicities, cultures, and religions can suffer from clinical depression. Each year it affects over 17 million American men and women (source: American Psychiatric Association). While clinical depression is common, it is frequently unrecognized and untreated.

There are different types and levels of clinical depression. Mental health counselors and psychiatrists are trained to diagnose and treat clinical depression. With the right treatment, most people who seek help get better within several months. Many people begin to feel better in just a few weeks.

Holy sh!% I was clinically depressed?!!?!

Apparently.

And guys wonder why I'm so f#@$%^ up and why I have such a low self-esteem.

SOOO Nick Schrack and Ethan Parks should just shut up about how I say my life sucks so badly...

I swear, they don't have a single good bone in their bodies...gosh

Sarcynacle

Hello all :)

Today's post was needed.

Sort of.

The other day, my step mom decided she would let me in on an observation.

Here's how the conversation went:

June 12th (one day after my birthday)-

Nina: "Hey, Jenny. Do you want me to let you in on a little observation I've been noticing the past few days or weeks?"

Jen: Thinking "Oh crap, here we go again."

Real life hesitating: "Uh sure?"

Nina pets our maltese and situates herself on the couch:

"Okay, well, I've been noticing that if you change this, you could make more friends."

Jen thinking: "Sh*$, what, I have no friends? I'm lonely? I may need pshyciatric help? Thanks Nina, for making me a sad 14 year old for the first time. No wait, second time because last night at my birthday party, you got drunk...off of a glass of wine. I don't even want to BE around you and you're telling me what's wrong with me? Thanks once again."

Nina:"So, I think that you're a very cynical and sarcastic person. And sarcasm is very rude and people just don't like sarcastic people. I mean my boss fired..."

Jen thinking:"NO SH#* I'M SARCASTIC! As if I may need to be tapped in the forehead for being a disgrace to you. I'm almost never sarcastic in the family. I'm not a rude person, what the heck is your problem with me?"

Nina: "...people for being sarcastic and if you keep on with this, you'll end up lonely and with almost no friends. But if you change your attitude, you'll end up with more friends. You shouldn't let being cynical and sarcastic make that your personality."

Jen:" Yup."

Jen thinking: "Just nod and agree and this will be over soon...man, when will she shut up?!?! She thinks she's being nice, thanks."

Nina: "I'm only saying this because I love you, you know that, right?"

Jen: "Yup."

Jen thinking: "HAVE YOU NOT NOTICED THAT I'M WATCHING TV? I HAVEN'T PAYED ATTENTION TO YOU FOR THE PAST TEN MINUTES AND YOU INSIST ON TELLING ME THIS. THANK YOU NINA, THANK YOU. Also, you might want to know that I may be sarcastic and serious and all that stuff but that's who I am. You don't even take the time to get to know me. Whenever we have time to talk, you gasp at everything I say. Example:

Jen: Hey Nina.

Nina: *Gasp* JENNY! IS THAT YOU?!

Jen thinking: Who else would it be stupid?

Jen: Yep, so I was thinking...

Nina: *Gasp* What?!

Jen thinking: If this is how it's going to be then fine, bye.

Jen: That I'm hungry and the food smells good. Is it almost done?

Nina: *Gasp* You're hungry?! *makes weird monster noises which cannot be done justice by blogging* Well, food's almost done.

Jen thinking: Crap, thanks. You sound like a freaking ten year old. You're 41! I swear, each year, you get younger. First, you're 25. Next year, you're 5. I didn't know that 5 year olds have MAC and Victoria's secret. By the way, isn't the PINK clothing line supposed to be for people around my age? You have more crap than me and you use your money to pamper yourself, you self-indulgent, selfish, gold digger, idiot who didn't even finish college and you want your son to get straight a's? YOU HAD A SEMESTER TO GO! Way to fail..."

So that was what was going on in my head during that stupid conversation. She really did say those things, I'm not lying.

Why is it that parents think that just by saying the you-know-we-love-you-and-that's-why-you-had-to-know-before-you-ended-up-making-an-idiot-out-of-yourself line is supposed to suppress those mean things.

Step parents are cruel.

No, scratch that, step MOTHERS named Nina, are cruel.

Man, I just wanted to slap her.

After that, she just looked away and started laughing at the tv.

HER LAUGHS SOUND LIKE MONKEYS SCREECHING!

I'm not exaggerating that.

Not one bit.

I didn't exaggerate a single thing on this post.

Well, that's that and monday, shopping!

I have a feeling that when I come home with makeup, she's going to freak.

She makes me so uncomfortable with myself; like I am never good enough or that I'm not good enough for something. She never fails to give me that much.

Oh and best part?

Colorado:

July 13th-22nd, I'm visiting my step aunt with my step brother, and the devil.

Devil being my step mother.

Agh.

My dad was smart in not going.

Why couldn't he bail me out of this?

We better be going shopping.

Her husband is rich as all hell.

hummmmm

Okay, so new post :)

I've been quite the depressed person lately.

And I can't seem to shake it off.

My birthday is in 9 days and I'm supposed to be happy!

But I'm not.

You wanna know why?

Because.

I think I've had an epiphany.

My epiphany consists of many things.

1) I realized that the only time I'll probably ever be wanted is if the police are chasing me.

And I never really get in trouble.

2) I'm losing my friends.

Not just because they're better friends with other people, oh heavens no.

They just hate me.

Because I'm so full of hate.

And happy people don't like hateful people, now do they?

3) I've never been called pretty, beautiful, or even hot by a guy before.

I don't think my dad's ever called me beautiful before.

I think he has, just can't remember.

4) I need to see a therapist.

Not my friends, although they'll help, I need to get help.

Professional help.

5) We don't have enough money to afford a therapist.

6) Will crying help?

Just breaking down?

It might.

But it takes a lot to make me cry, so...yeah.

7) I'm not cool enough for band people to like me.

BAND NERDS.

8) My life needs to change.

That's pretty much what's been on my mind lately.....

And remember what I said about not being able to have drama?

Now I have it.

I hate when that happens.

You want something and then when you get it, you don't want it anymore.

Ugh.

Right now I feel like screaming and talking to Carly.

She listens.

She listens like noone else in my life.

Sorry Angelica.

Ughgghghghghghgh

OK QUESTION TIME!!!

Why is it that whenever I'm on myspace I see status updates like this:

"i love my bby"

or

"txting my baby :)"

Baby this, baby that.

All in all,

I'm sick of it.

As if my "love life (you know, the nonexistent one)" didn't suck enough.

And if seeing those updates aren't bad enough,

try hearing the guy you like talk about other girls.

Now, usually I'm not the jealous type,

I tend to just brush it off.

But ohhhhhh man, this guy was just trying to push my buttons.

I'm not even kidding.

So whenever I see my friends with their boyfriends, I'm like, sad all of a sudden.

Ugh, why am I this way?

Just curious.

Oh and to top it all off,

try helping your friends,

on a daily basis,

to get through their guy problems.

Heck, I think mine are so crappy that my friends have to change the subject because it's sucking.

But the thing is, I want to talk about them.

I talk about yours,

I take time out of my day to help you not because I have to but because you're my friend and there's no better feeling than that of helping a friend.

But when my friends just change the topic mid convo,

I'm like,

"uhhh not done yet."

But hey, I figure out ways to get through my problems that way I can still help you.

If anybody is getting offended here, I didn't mean it.

This is my place to vent.

Whether you like it or not,

I'm venting.

The truth.

I'm not just going to sugar coat it and make it seem like my life is perfect or only show you the good things in my life.

That also doesn't mean I'm only going to show the bad too.

Life is too short to be mad all the time or be happy all the time.

Ok but back to the main topic.......

Do people like one another just for looks or personality?

Because my personality is just...

not ideal for a relationship I guess.

I'm a happy person.

Apparently, if you have problems, more people will like you?

Maybe I'm only happy because of my problems.

My life consists of problems and only problems.

Whether it be mine or someone else's.

I mean, I'm going shopping for my birthday and I'm counting that as school clothes because I don't want my parents to spend more money than we actually have.

We're broke.

My number one priority in my house is to not complain about not being able to do something.

But the thing is, we don't have a lot of money so I know that we're limited.

If you were there on sunday at the movies with my dad, you could see his anxiety.

He was looking for specials in the movies.

We never do that.

And it's the first time in forever that we were there as a family to see a movie.

So what I'm saying is,

I don't have the money to look decent.

I don't have the personality to capture a guy's heart.

I don't have many things.

But hey, that's what life's about..........isn't it?