This is what happens?

Why?!!?!?

I ask this question so often lately, I say it out of habit.

No lie.

It's been getting to me that maybe, just maybe, I am lonely.

Of course you already knew that but it's different.

I'm surrounded by people who love me and don't love me.

I was stuck in a house with people who didn't love me for a WEEK.

They didn't give a sh*t about me!

They barely noticed me.

Which was what woke me up.

I had to speak up for them to actually care about me.

I guess this happens in real life.

You can't always automatically get attention from people, nonetheless love either.

But it sucks becasue I'm empty.

Yeah, I have people who love and care for me but it just doesn't satisfy me.

I don't have the satisfaction of being loved anymore.

I sound so spoiled right now I hate it.

Not being satisfied with love, is this what my life has come to?!

Not loving being loved by others who love me?

Seriously?

Something's wrong here.

I think it's because I see so many other people that love their lives yet,

I can't enjoy mine.

14 years into it and I'm traumitized to trust others.

14 YEARS OLD!

That's pretty much packing in as much hate and dislike in a short amout of time.

You know, I fear a lot of things.

I'm scared of things people don't even think of.

I'm scared of rejection,

not being loved,

lonliness,

losing my dad,

being bullied again,

suicide,

death,

spiders,

grass (which hold insects that can kill),

losing people close to me,

being hurt like I was,

opening up,

trusting someone.

Those are only a few and you're probably shaking your head and thinking What is she on?!

Advair, Ceterizine, Duac, Albuterol, Lactaid, Xyrtec, and Tylenol thank you very much.

I have to take those medicines every day or pretty close to it.

Yeah it's probably not much but if I were to go to a pshycologist,

I'd have anti-depressant medicine in there too.

My mind doesn't think like other peoples' does and I don't know if it's good or bad.

Here are the Pros and Cons:

Pro; I get to be different

Con; people are afraid of who I am because I'm different.

Pro; I can have an awesomespice blog.

Con; Who my age really blogs?

Pro; I'm me.

Con; I don't like me.

You know, sometimes I wish I can just be a weak person and care about everything people think of me.

They seem to be the ones that aren't as lonely.

Maybe I scare people away.

I think that crying for about 1,760 afternoons and nights took away my tears.

And it sucks.

I think that the sensitive girls get the guys because the guy always wants to be the shoulder to cry on.

But, what happens when you don't really cry.

Is that a bad thing?

Does that mean that no guy will ever like me?!

I don't want to hear lies.

I don't want to hear things that will please me.

I know you guys are lying when you say I'm pretty and I can get a boyfriend.

EVEN NICK SCHRACK THINKS I'M UGLY!

If even he thinks I am then what hope is there?

I try.

Really, I do.

But no matter how many medications I'm prescribed, nothing seems to ease my emptiness.

Because can you really soothe nothing?

Exactly.

No, you can't.

I mean, my friends, those wonderful people, they try.

I give them credit for it, I do.

But I just feel like...they can't do anything.

Like their mouths are moving but I can't hear anything, no matter how hard I try.

I try.

And that's what sucks.

So much useful energy being put into something completely useless.

Whatever, I don't know what to do now.

Probably just stay home and wait.

Ugh, 14 can suck it.