Smoochy?

Today’s post is going to be a little girly today. It’s about guys.

Everyone wants to have their first kiss before they’re too old and you don’t want it so early that people would call you bad names and you end up badly.

See, I haven’t had my first kiss yet.

I know, shocker (not really).

It just bothers me that I go to the movies and see actors and they have two people kiss like it’s super easy.

Well, it probably is but I think I may have a little phobia.

It’s just that, I’m afraid of giving away something special to someone who won’t even care.

Yet, it’s something that I envy of other people and thrive for because before I know it, I’ll end up single forever.

Heck, I haven’t even had a boyfriend yet.

What’s so wrong about me liking a guy?

The guy always just calls me ugly, fat, drug addict, and annoying then just walks away with some girl he asked out at that moment.

Not that that’s happened or anything.

Boys are always on our minds.

Teenage girls, adult women, we all think about them.

Nothing means more to us than a valuable guy who will be faithful and be nice and caring. A good cuddle wouldn’t hurt either.

Anyways, these girls at my school all tend to go through relationships and life like toilet paper.

There are those girls that are stoners and drink a lot and cut every now and then who don’t have high standards.

Then there are those girls who are very preppy and can get any guy they want, especially the hot ones, and rub it in people’s faces. That’s all good until you break up in two hours.

All I want is a decent guy who looks put together and is preppy/skater-ish.

That’s not much, right?

Ha ha, there’s much more.

I like guys who are involved in their academics, like, they’re smart and don’t slack off, athletic ones who could pick me up if there’s a mud puddle, guys who aren’t judgmental of girls who may be a little on the heavy side and has a face full of acne, and lastly, I want a guy who isn’t caught up in drama and just likes to relax.

Blonde haired blue eyes approximately 6 feet tall would be great.

Actually, I saw the perfect guy today at the mall. He was really nice and wasn’t mean. He seemed like he was pretty athletic and he green eyes you could just see yourself in them. He had the perfect smile, the friendliest laugh and was just perfect! Sounds wonderful huh? It was. Except that I don’t live in Boulder, CO. Ugh. Why do people torture me??? Why can’t guys in Texas be more like the guys here? It’s so relaxing here and that’s ideal for someone who lives in a very busy household.

Anyways, back to kissing, I swear, I’m the only girl who hasn’t had her first kiss. Why? Afraid, anxious, I have pretty high standards, I’m introverted, and I’m not attractive in any way, shape, or form. Yeah I’m a nice person but that doesn’t get you anywhere. Nothing hurts more in my heart than hearing 8 year olds saying how great this guy was at making out. I heard that today.

It stung a little bit.

I haven’t even held hands with a guy. I’ve given hugs, but no hand holding.

Or cheek kisses.

Or footsies.

OR any guy asking me if he wanted to hang out.

How come Nick Schrack can get a girl even though he smells bad, he’s rude to girls, and he’s mean to everybody.

My sister was in 7^th grade when she first went out with a guy.

My oldest sister was a sophomore but she’s gorgeous so I’m actually shocked.

That just justifies me being a sad nobody who can’t get a good guy.

Why I can’t lower my standards you may ask.

Well, I know this will sound shallow, but I’m afraid of losing what little reputation I have and I don’t want to seem desperate (although I kind of am).

You know what?

It bothers me when girls complain about two guys who like her and she doesn’t know who to go out with.

SERIOUSLY?!

And also, it sucks when a girl goes out with a guy a good 5 times to realize that she liked his best friend and then she cheats on them.

UGH.

Well, hopefully I’m going to be the ugly duckling.

I hate the fact that I’m so ugly that I get nobody, I probably scare people.

Great for Halloween.

Maybe I’ll turn out to be this gorgeous supermodel that people envy.

Or a trailer wife who lives with her 29 cats.

Never know.

Why do people only envy me of my intelligence?

Really, I want to know.

Is there nothing better to me?

I hate being tall.

Lucky you, you’re short.

Intelligence is something that you can gain so does that make me not special?

An average geek who has nothing interesting to her life?

That’s what sucks about being such a private person.

People think they can read me but what’s going on inside my head is completely different from the outside.

If only you knew.

If only you understood.

If only you cared.

Too many if’s follow my life.

BTW, I wrote this in Colorado. I couldn't get a decent signal to post it and completely forgot about it. So yeah :)

A Book?

Here's my first chapter :) Inspiration was there lol. Tell me what you think okay?

Chapter one:

The Entrance

“Wake up! Time for your first day in 8^th grade, darling! Let’s go,” my dad practically yelled at me. As he was saying those words, so many thoughts ran through my head. First, who wakes up their teenage daughter, more excited for school than they are? Secondly, the light hurts, (especially when you’ve been staying up until 4 a.m. for the past three or so months, still not able to adjust to the “time difference”.) And lastly, the first day of school?! Are you kidding me? As if moving from another state where I was hated wasn’t bad enough, now I have to make a good impression, not only on the girls but more importantly, the guys?

Sitting up and still rubbing my eyes, I slowly walk towards that burning light, quickly turned it off and rushed back to bed. Oh how I’ll miss the wonderful feeling of a thick comforter keeping me safe, warm, and comfortable. Honestly, I only wanted to rest my eyes. But the bed is just so soft and…and....unable to respond to myself, I drifted back to sleep. “Eh, what’s a few minutes going to hurt?” I thought. What seemed to be five minutes, later turned into thirty-five.

I jolted awake seeing the sun outside of the windows. And I thought fluorescents were bad. With the a little time left to actually look decent, I put on the first outfit that I could find, ran to the bathroom taking my makeup along for the long car ride, and brushed the knot I call my hair. (I think I'd get every knot tying patch there is, if you know, hair counted.)Slowly making my way downstairs to eat breakfast, I stumbled upon my backpack which said, “Bus leaves at 7:30, better hurry. Love dad.”

I’m not sure what angle he was trying to go for, seeing as how it was 7:21 already and there’s a full half mile from the bus stop to my house. Maybe he was trying to be funny but blunt, mean but annoying, who knows. As I was running to my bus stop, all I could think of was, “What will they think of me? Am I going to have no friends at all again? Are they mean? Yes! I avoided the dog crap! Seems to be like land mines around here. Mental note: either look down a lot or bring another pair of shoes, just in case. Of course almost every kid in the world has first day of school jitters but hopefully not as badly as I do.

As I came up to the bus stop, all I could see were tall, thin people, each looking like a super model. . Not one was frowning, not one was afraid of school. Thinking this was a little odd, I quickly made my way past them, trying not to attract unnecessary attention. “Oh shoot, they all looked. Why didn’t you wake up earlier? There is such a thing as alarm clocks, you know. Maybe this is a way of you being told that this place isn’t meant for you” I thought. Each one of them slowly met their gaze with mine, quickly turned around and started laughing. Great, already being laughed at and school hadn’t even started.

Standing there waiting, I noticed a large yellow bus coming to the stop. It’s been ages since I’ve ridden a bus, let alone a car to school. This will be interesting. Everybody wrestled their way on, pushing and shoving through the door. Weren't people supposed to hate the bus? The bad smell and the little or no air condition available on a really hot day? Man this place is weird. As aI approached the door, somebody’s arm flew up and hit me in the face. Thanks for that…. Backing up and waiting for everybody to get on, I slowly climbed into the large yellow bus and wondered why everyone had to be so violent. Not a single seat has more than one or two people! I went up to a seat that had a lot of room and wheel bump. Sitting down, the kid slid his mud covered shoes under me and I barely touched them. “Stupid kid…” I said under my breath. As I headed towards the back, each and every person sitting got quiet and glared at me. “Stop holding up the bus and go to the front! This is our spot.”

I went to the front of the bus and had to share a seat with a kid that smelled like old onions and wet dog. Halfway through the ride, I started pulling my makeup bag out to see the blush exploded all over everything. Looking for some napkins or hand sanitizer to clean everything, I asked the first few rows and each one of them laughed and mocked me. I was mocked by little eleven year olds. For some reason, Hawaii wasn’t sounding so bad now.

Suddenly, someone tapped my shoulder, making me jump out of my seat a little. It was a girl with the same name as I did. Katelin. She’s a year younger and she seemed to be nice but a little--oh how do I say this--weird. The first thing noticeable about her was her unruly hair and the way she talked. She kept saying things like, “eureka!” But I kept applying my makeup, trying to make it look like it was so tedious and needed so much focus. Was distantly listening to a lonely girl stand up to the plate and make a new friend so bad? Hey, my first friend! Not exactly clique I’d wanted but better than nothing.

She literally spoke the entre time. It’s great to know that you can say the alphabet backwards and wonderful to know that your mom paid a total of $80 on that shirt you’re wearing. I’m not sure if she noticed, but money and other people bragging about it bothered the HECK out of me. My family and I are poor. Well, more middle class actually, but here we’re poor. I’m forced to live with the upper middle class and see their $100+ outfits that they got with their allowances the other day. Screw that, I’ve never had an allowance.

We pulled up to the school and a wave of relief surged through me. No more annoying voices in my ear, specifically the one who’s name sounded exactly like mine. I got off the bus as quickly as I could, trying to get to the office. “Dang it Katelin, couldn’t you have been faster? Terrific, just terrific, footsteps. And 4, 3, 2-crap she’s coming.” I said to myself. “HEY KATELIN! WHY ARE YOU GOING SO FAST?” Katelyn said out of breath trying to catch up which provoked me to go faster and towards the groups of people.

Nobody bothered with slight movement here; they all turned their heads at once, most saying in unison, “What the heck is up with her shirt?” Looking down, I was soon to realize that it was tie dye.

Why not come into school with color? Trying to convince myself that it’ll be alright, I ran to the bathroom and began to cry. Not because I was embarrassed but it just felt good. Today was supposed to the perfect. Everybody was supposed to be in awe of me, thinking that the new girl was cool.

“Hey, Katelin?” I heard a nasal voice say. “You seem pretty upset about the shirt. How about we trade? You can keep mine, there’s a plethora of them at my house.”

“Are you serious? It was $80! And, plethora?” I responded. “Yeah, my word of the day.” She said with pride and a little giggle as if there was some inside joke I didn’t get. “Just take mine.” She said throwing her brand new Juicy Couture shirt over the bathroom stall. We both walked out of that bathroom smiling, looking overjoyed. I was smiling because finally, someone was nice and caring. She was happy because she wasn’t alone anymore. Let’s just hope that I’m not always stuck like this. Sorry Katelyn but, I’ve got bigger dreams to fulfill here, my last chance at a new beginning.

The bell rang and the hallways began to be filled with laughter and gossip. Who knew that there was gossip over the summer says the homebody. I couldn’t help but laugh at the irony of it all. “See you later Katelin!” She said with complete and utter happiness, as if she were really my friend. Turning around, I waved slightly and walked to my class.

Period one: Math.

Kyle,

Don't worry okay?

Life is supposed to have it's ups and downs.

If it didn't, we'd be a boring society.

Don't beat yourself up about it,

maybe you just felt like a little break was needed?

But with her pregnant, it's kind of hard to leave her, right?

That and the little fact that you really like her and wouldn't leave her.

Just chill and things will fall into place.

There's a song you need to listen to:

It always seems to make me cry for some reason.

But it's just a great song.

Heck, everyone needs to hear it.

Best song I've ever heard.

And that is saying a lot.

Kyle, darlin, please brighten up.

Life has begun and we've both been through a lot of the same things.

Others I could never even know how to deal with,

and yet you're still able to wake up every morning or afternoon

and somehow be able to live.

You're a hero Kyle and you don't know it.

Please know that I pray for your well being and your life being in safe hands.

God will always be there and so will I,

so whenever you have a problem,

go to both of us.

God will speak through me to help you :)

Love you cousin ;)

This is what happens?

Why?!!?!?

I ask this question so often lately, I say it out of habit.

No lie.

It's been getting to me that maybe, just maybe, I am lonely.

Of course you already knew that but it's different.

I'm surrounded by people who love me and don't love me.

I was stuck in a house with people who didn't love me for a WEEK.

They didn't give a sh*t about me!

They barely noticed me.

Which was what woke me up.

I had to speak up for them to actually care about me.

I guess this happens in real life.

You can't always automatically get attention from people, nonetheless love either.

But it sucks becasue I'm empty.

Yeah, I have people who love and care for me but it just doesn't satisfy me.

I don't have the satisfaction of being loved anymore.

I sound so spoiled right now I hate it.

Not being satisfied with love, is this what my life has come to?!

Not loving being loved by others who love me?

Seriously?

Something's wrong here.

I think it's because I see so many other people that love their lives yet,

I can't enjoy mine.

14 years into it and I'm traumitized to trust others.

14 YEARS OLD!

That's pretty much packing in as much hate and dislike in a short amout of time.

You know, I fear a lot of things.

I'm scared of things people don't even think of.

I'm scared of rejection,

not being loved,

lonliness,

losing my dad,

being bullied again,

suicide,

death,

spiders,

grass (which hold insects that can kill),

losing people close to me,

being hurt like I was,

opening up,

trusting someone.

Those are only a few and you're probably shaking your head and thinking What is she on?!

Advair, Ceterizine, Duac, Albuterol, Lactaid, Xyrtec, and Tylenol thank you very much.

I have to take those medicines every day or pretty close to it.

Yeah it's probably not much but if I were to go to a pshycologist,

I'd have anti-depressant medicine in there too.

My mind doesn't think like other peoples' does and I don't know if it's good or bad.

Here are the Pros and Cons:

Pro; I get to be different

Con; people are afraid of who I am because I'm different.

Pro; I can have an awesomespice blog.

Con; Who my age really blogs?

Pro; I'm me.

Con; I don't like me.

You know, sometimes I wish I can just be a weak person and care about everything people think of me.

They seem to be the ones that aren't as lonely.

Maybe I scare people away.

I think that crying for about 1,760 afternoons and nights took away my tears.

And it sucks.

I think that the sensitive girls get the guys because the guy always wants to be the shoulder to cry on.

But, what happens when you don't really cry.

Is that a bad thing?

Does that mean that no guy will ever like me?!

I don't want to hear lies.

I don't want to hear things that will please me.

I know you guys are lying when you say I'm pretty and I can get a boyfriend.

EVEN NICK SCHRACK THINKS I'M UGLY!

If even he thinks I am then what hope is there?

I try.

Really, I do.

But no matter how many medications I'm prescribed, nothing seems to ease my emptiness.

Because can you really soothe nothing?

Exactly.

No, you can't.

I mean, my friends, those wonderful people, they try.

I give them credit for it, I do.

But I just feel like...they can't do anything.

Like their mouths are moving but I can't hear anything, no matter how hard I try.

I try.

And that's what sucks.

So much useful energy being put into something completely useless.

Whatever, I don't know what to do now.

Probably just stay home and wait.

Ugh, 14 can suck it.

...and bring your friends too.

Lately, I haven't been feeling like much of myself.

It sucks.

Nothing feels the same, nothing feels right.

I feel like life isn't the same.

Okay well, let me start from the beginning.

Ever since 1st grade, I've wanted to act.

Like, on tv and stuff.

Nothing gives me more joy than being able to convey emotions from words.

Well, a few days ago, I've been going through what I'd like to call

"Acting disease"

Which in my mind means that I'm being deprived of my dream,

being sick from not being able to get an agent or anything like that.

Research, research, and research has been what I've been doing lately.

I want to tell my dad that it's something I want to do but every time I get the chance to,

it seems like he isn't in the mood for it.

He's never in the mood to talk about my dreams or anything like that

because he may already have my future planned out.

A couple of years ago, I was obsessed with cooking.

But I still secretly wanted to act.

My dad keeps telling me about cooking schools and all that shizz.

The thing is, it's my obsession.

Acting I mean.

My family more than likely will support me but torment me at the same time.

I can't go a day without being embarrassed about my life.

My sister, my dad, everyone.

They say I'm too defensive and take everything too seriously.

So what?

I do, and that matters to you...why?

My family constantly makes me feel insecure about myself.

Why can't I be myself around family?!

All I want is to

1) Get a clear face

2) Get an agent

and

3) Be famous!!!

That's all I really want.

For crying out loud, why couldn't I?

My family is pretty unsupportive of me and only support me when they really need to.

My sister wanted to go to her boyfriend's house on my birthday!

Nobody in my family likes me, they just can't wait for me to leave and my friends...

I don't know.

Why am I such a hard person to please?

Life just doesn't satisfy me anymore.

If those 3(^) things happen to me, life would be SO much better.

I'm not asking for much.

Heck, all that stuff is FREE.

For the most part.

Ugh, someone, save me,

I'm sick.

A little modification

Hey:)

Recently, I've been noticing something.

My brain is weird.

I over think everything.

It has a mind of its own; I win/lose battles to myself.

I talk to myself quite a lot.

Who else can I really trust?

But anyways, I've realized change.

People change, yeah, I know.

But what about those people who tend to have that on their mind all the time?

Or when someone doesn't like them for one small thing, why do they have to focus on conforming so others will like them more?

Personally, I'm not much of a conformist.

I know it's about them being happy.

So if making others happy, but not yourself, go on ahead.

I'm not stopping you.

Pleasing other people is a disease in my book.

That and backstabbing.

But why?

Why is making other people so important?

There are some people that would say, "Oh because, I want them to like me, that's all."

I'm not going to lie, I've wanted to please people.

Heck, I love pleasing people.

But not in the way you'd think.

If I'm both happy with who I am, I'll cheer you up.

I'll be your friend; doesn't matter.

But I'm not changing myself.

I've been called an ugly depressed freak, sure.

Does that make me sad? Yeah.

Does it make me change everything about myself? Nope.

If I'd have given in, I wouldn't be on this blog anymore.

It would be so useless to even take the time to write things like this.

.RANDOM QUESTION.

So why do bullies feel like if they don't even meet their own standards, how do they expect others to?

I mean, not everybody can look perfect every second of the day.

Not everybody can be happy every second of the day either; some more than others.

Optimists probably have a little trouble with it.

Also, am I too random?

My mind tends to skip around a lot.

It's filled with so many facts and fictions.

Little things trigger those thoughts.

Which means I'm random to you; not to myself.

And, to those people that want to be random:

Why do you try to be something you're not?

You probably suck and randomness.

Be yourself for Heaven's sake!

God made you you because there'd be no such thing as genuineity. (Yes, I made it up, hush up)

Ha ha ha, but still.

Stop conforming to other people's beliefs.

They're called opinions for a reason.

Thanks for reading :) Enjoy yourself some fireworks tonight!

P.S. I'M ALLERGIC TO DOGS! D:

This sucks.

P.P.S. This, "I think I actually got to bed at about 9. It took me about 3 minutes to fall asleep, which was amazing. I didn't go to sleep exactly when I said I would, since I was writing an email to Jen while IMing with her at the same time. :P

Even though I've barely known her since like a week ago, I can honestly say she's one of my best friends so far. I really like reading her emails... for some reason I just feel special every time I see Inbox (3) and find "Jennifer Lab; Subject: Re: :P" among one of them. It's a curse not to be able to relate to other people or care. A curse that 95% of the world seems to have. I'm glad we're part of the 5% that has open eyes."

Makes me a happy camper.

Thank you Kyle. You made my month XD

The truth about honesty

What's your definition of honesty?

Is it the little sugar coating at the end to make you feel better?

Or is it the truth, no lying, no sugar coating, the person tells it like it is?

When I look at a person, honesty and trust are the two most important things in any relationship.

Friendship or maybe something more than that.

If you're honest, it helps me trust you.

If you can't do either, sucks for you.

See, if you make a person mad from your honesty, do you think they'd let you apologize?

Wait, shouldn't it be the other way around?

Just curious...

People tend to have this "need" to make others please with not only themselves, but with others.

Just to "fit in".

It's a terrible thing, what humans are capable of.

Well, not always terrible but sometimes good.

It saddens me that people have to take sides.

If it's not their problem, you can listen, you can understand what's going on but,

you shouldn't get into it.

I learned that the hard way.

So what happens when people are always happy and cheery?

What happens when they decide to let their feelings out and it hurts another person?

Would you mind or would you not care and throw it to the side?

I want to know these things.

Being the down to Earth person I am,

I tend to let the truth out in a way that makes people infuriated towards everything that I say and/or do.

Why?

Why is it that people can't take the time to realize that life isn't always perfect and it doesn't always go their way?

WHY?

So why is it that when people get the sugar coated truth, they're like, "Yes, that was completely true, blah blah blah."

But when you tell them the TRUTH and you're honest about everything you say,

why is it then that people start getting sad?

Are they afraid of the truth or what?

Because they'll be soon to realize that life is different.

There's a whole other side to it that people don't open their eyes to and it bothers me.

I've seen the other side at it's worst.

Yeah, it is scary but you know what?

It made me a stronger person.

It's prepared me for the worst to come and in the future, I'll be able to take constructive criticism with ease.

Will most people be able to do that?

I highly doubt that.

Look at the people at my school.

They all live in their little happy bubbles and when the truth pin comes to burst it,

they don't know how to handle it and end up being p*ssed off at the world.

So in the end, what I'm trying to say is that honesty will follow you everywhere.

It'll help you and it'll break you.

But how else were they able to make the perfect everything?

They had many trials and errors but hey, life wouldn't be like it is if it weren't for things going wrong.

Hope you have a great 4Th of July :)

♥Jen