The...beginning?

Well...It's been a while, yes?

I believe that I have quite a bit of recap to do.

Basically, I'm now a sophomore;

I have practically changed my wardrobe to Urban Outfitters;

I've been on two dates with two different people in a span of one weekend;

I'm going to California this saturday for spring break;

oh and I've gotten my first kiss.

Pretty much, life has flip-flopped and well...I don't know how I feel.

I expected everything to, you know, be magical and perfect; especially

the fact that I could've gotten a boyfriend. Twice.

My dad ruined the first one (which is okay because he was NOT cute or a good kisser...it was like kissing a fish) and I ruined the second one.

I was way jealous, lied to my friends about him, and was practically bipolar when approaching the relationship idea. So now we're just friends. I think I just got too excited and took it too seriously and well...now I've got nothing. Except for guy 2's friend and he's 5'4", a year younger, and our best conversations happen when we talk about aspects of relationships...It's weird. I never expected to get so far so fast. Anywho, this guy...he's kinda cute:) he's a wrestler and pretty blue eyes, and I dearly hope he hits a growth spurt soon :/ The only thing is that I can only really look at him and think that he's a kid, even though I had a thing for his best friend. It's safe to say that I'm very confused at the moment and I'm watching Glee and it's all about...SEX. And gayness? Hahaha. Anyways, I'm just focusing on not so much getting a boyfriend but rather, maybe attracting them or just being more confident with myself. I believe that if I have more confidence and stuff, that maybe I might be able to get a boyfriend soon...Pray for me hahaha

This is significantly faster and easier and also less painful that writing in my journal because this just happens to not really involve much of my wrist. But enough with the distractions, it’s time to just start. So I’ll begin where my mind is. Kyle. Kyle, I love you to death and I know you know that I care about you but the thing is, I’m not very well trained in counseling people that have been through what you have, you know? It’s just so hard to say what I can because that little flicker of hope that you have going for you is hard to make into a big fire. I just want you to have the same loving intensity of life as I do. It took me four years to get that optimistic idea of life and I’m still not entirely there. I still slip into my depressed moments but it’s only because I don’t know how to deal with it completely. I’m starting to get to know my friends better. It’s just so hard knowing them like I would love to if my dad would let me hang out with my friends, if he let me be around my guy friends (because let’s face it, I have quite a bit of them), and lastly if my phone worked. But to be honest, I can’t really hold a normal conversation with ANYBODY and it completely and utterly sucks. Once you’ve been through the depression I have, solitude is all that you really know and it’s hard letting people understand you and know you like you want them to. But I know that once people know who I really am and how apathetic I am towards what they may think is very important and what they find interesting is not what I think is. I would really love to have a group of friends I don’t have to struggle to talk to. I can’t think on their level because I am so different. I listen to classical music like Bach and Liszt, I ask so many questions that my mind can’t even handle it so that’s why I’m so quiet, I’m on a different level of maturity than everyone else is and it is horrible, and lastly I can’t find a single part of me that I like. Every one has that one part of them that they love, Reese it is ability to be intellectual, my dad is how self-reliable he is, and my sisters how gorgeous they are. I can’t find anything. What I do want is to just join a sports team. Gymnastics to be quite specific. I just like the power and grace they have, it’s so hard to not want to be like them. I’ve really been trying to find myself lately. That’s my main focus at the moment and I know I should probably be like every other teenager and just think that being in a relationship is the most important thing in life is. But really, a guy that finds ME attractive?! HAHA! That is just plain silly talk right there. That’s what has probably kept me so sane even though many people would love to contradict that. I’ve been listening to a song called “Sogno D’amore” and it just captivates my mind. It means so much and it’s so expressive on many different levels. It basically just goes like this: beginning is slow and quiet, like when you first like someone, it’s a very slow process. It then speeds up to show progress and how these people are beginning to actually love each other. Then the end I think is just them realizing that it couldn’t be and that it was great while it lasted and it was very wonderful what they went through and they’re both thinking about their relationship because it sounds like the middle of the song but much slower. I’m still really trying to analyze it. Either way it sounds bittersweet. That’s what I love so much about classical music, it’s so expressive. When words fail, music speaks right? My mind is just all over the place at the moment. I can’t think straight and I’m so stressed out but everyone else seems to be perfectly fine. I don’t see how because I’m beginning to fall apart. I just want to leave and be with my aunt Kim. Live with her for a year. Escape my issues for that allotted time. But the best part of living with her? All of the places she goes to. Turkey, Japan, France, etc. Her life is so wonderful but at the same time it seems like it could be better, you know? Alone at her late 30’s and no children but her cats. I don’t really want to live like that but really, I just love traveling. If I ever find someone I love and that loves me back (which will be the biggest pain in the backside) I want to travel with him. Just him and I going to places people could only DREAM of and living a wonderful life. The future is all I’m thinking about right now and how much different things could and will be. You know what? My sister Micah dated a guy at my age. And my dad knew about it. I hate being the youngest, I can’t do ANYTHING because my dad is so strict, being the baby and all. Not to mention that I haven’t talked to my mom in over three months but it’s just that it’s so hard to. I don’t know what it just is. I’m not the biggest fan of talking to my mom all the time. It just gets so stressful because she acts like it’s all my fault that I don’t talk to her. It sort of is but mostly hers because she doesn’t text me or call me and expects me to talk to her all the time. It just sucks. And I have to deal with my little half sister being her main focus. I understand that I only lived with her for 3 years but she never really paid much attention to me then. Gosh it just sucks. And I’m going to go now. So much I want to say but my fingers hurt. Oh well.

Gosh I'm Getting Bad at This

So I've been writing in a journal.

It's really a lot easier than blogging.

Not much has happened to be honest.

My life isn't all exciting.

But to say something,

I feel like my friends aren't really there

for me anymore.

Like I've lost contact with them.

I just feel alone and that

in my opinion,

is horrible.

Rant number 1029043857190845798174.5

I hope he's safe.

I was there.

On the website, ready to type everything in.

I looked at the words over and over again,

deciding whether or not to put my name and information

in those boxes.

I got scared.

I don't know this guy.

I don't know his housing address,

his phone number even though we've talked

numerous times,

and whether or not he's telling the truth.

There are emotions behind those black letters.

Anything can be said online,

anything can be altered or hidden.

The world isn't safe.

But as I was on that social services website,

I thought I was doing him a favour.

He is being hurt after all.

But is this all too bad to be true?

If so, he's a fantastic liar because I believe

each and every word he types.

It's not my business and

I know of the consequences that would've

been biting him in the arm.

He's not safe.

He's being abused.

But under the circumstances,

nobody deserves to be hurt this way.

ALL HE DID WAS GET A GIRL PREGNANT.

I know, I know, it's still pretty bad but

to get what he's being given as a consequence?!

I can't stand it.

And on a brighter note, I'm not as sad anymore.

The only drama in my life is within my family.

I wish that wasn't even true.

At least you can escape drama at school.

And yes, still single, as always.

I love being single though.

No commitments,

care-free life,

a focused life,

I can't be a topic of gossip for that aspect,

and I'm me.

Not someone's girlfriend,

not that "mexican" (REALLY PEOPLE?!

I'm Asian-American. Goodness, the ignorance is horrific)

girl.

I'm Jen.

And always will be.

If someone will find out who I am,

it's for what I've done

or how freakishly high my morals are.

In no way did I say I was perfect

nor happy all the time.

I say, I'm a good person.

I can hold myself up high

and nobody can push me down.

For anything.

Thought Provoking

I listen to music.

A LOT.

To the point where it's sickening..

for other people that is :)

I love all sorts of music!

Classical (specifically Liszt),

Opera,

Indie,

Metal,

Hardcore,

Techno...

I think in college,

I'm going to get my performance major.

In both theatre and music.

I love both because they're both

forms of art.

Art is expressive and I'm an expressive person :)

Overly expressive at times...ANYWAYS...

Everything you could think of (maybe)

is on my zune.

I don't like to limit myself to only one genre.

Music is too wonderful to just not listen to!

I listen to classical whenever I feel like focusing even though

I end up looking crazy :)

I listen to techno whenever I'm hyper,

Opera whenever I'm feeling stupid,

Metal for whenever I'm mad,

Hardcore= amazing madness.

And indie alternative is my all over the place music.

Also, I love silent movies.

People should really think of it as an art.

In those movies,

it is, to me, seen as a challenge.

You couldn't speak so your expressions,

well, they had to be extravagant.

Your body had to tell a story,

with words popping up on the screen every now and then.

It's beautiful how people were back then...

without extremely short skirts and dresses,

without your boobs hanging out of said dresses and shirts.

People back then were elegant without trying.

I'm trying to incorporate my style with a

more elegant look to it.

I'm tired of looking like I just woke up.

I want to look well made.

If only Audrey Hepburn was my mother,

I would be so beautiful without effort.

Here's the thought of the day:

Do you think you limit yourself too often

from listening to other genres/

watching certain movies/

doing or thinking certain things?

If so, why?

I watched the Hannah Montana movie and liked it.

:)

--Jen

um

Good gracious I need to get better at this.

So much has been happening!!!

My life has been getting great lately,

things are actually starting to take it's start.

My friendships have been growing

and new ones have been planted.

Colorguard has been my cure.

All of the anger that I have been storing?

Yeah, it's been taken out just because you're supposed to be

fierce when you use your flag.

Oh man am I fierce.

I bet I'm going to be the first person to ever

break a pole XD

Anyways,

life has been very busy.

With drama,

color guard,

band,

and now photography.

They all sound fantastic

but when you have school,

it's so hard to focus on anything else.

Like school.

I'm barely passing 2-3 classes.

And it's worse than marching season.

I seriously have to step my game up or I'm screwed.

You know, I've really been thinking about modeling.

I don't get it because I'm really not all that pretty.

I just find it an easy way to get money.

Next, I really want to act.

Those two things are practically driving my life

and my mind.

I think about those SO much that I can't

pay attention to much else.

I'm basically in color guard to get a nice body.

I'm seeing a dermatologist because I want nice skin.

All of these factors are playing into a career that I could

be making plenty of money.

We'll all see how this plays out.

Time for hw!!!

Whore?

I just feel like crying.

My life is so lonely.

Although I'm loved by many people,

I feel like I'm alone and there's nothing I can do about it.

Guys make me feel like that.

At one point, I get my hopes up and then they

tear them down.

I'm even considering being a slut but where

would that get me?

Nowhere.

Guys and girls would constantly talk behind my back.

Sometimes I probably wouldn't get that lucky.

The guy I did/do like said this to me:

"well I did think I liked you but I didn't want to say I did till I knew you better but now I honestly think just friends would be better for both of us:/"

Yeah. That sucked.

I can't get any guy and it is really tearing my head apart.

Yeah, I'm only 14 but still, I just feel pressure.

Not only from my friends but I put on this

pressure that I can't even handle.

I want to scream.

I want to fall.

I want to leave and start over again.

Life for me right now is just going down.

Why is it that when my best friends

like a guy, they instantaneously like them back?

I could only be so fortunate.

They love the fact that they can get any guy

with their beauty and personality.

The only personality I have is boring.

I smile to make sure

that other people are having a good day.

I smile so that my pain is hidden so far away that

I'm not even sure what is going through my mind.

My head over analyzes things to the extent

that I scare people away with my mind.

All I want is a boyfriend.

One that I can depend on,

one that will tell the truth,

one that will like me even on my bad days.

My best friend has so many problems

in her relationship but guess what?

Those are all because she takes

things too far.

I don't want that to happen.

But then again this is her first relationship.

I just...need to have love.

Love around me.

I feel so empty.

Nothing is being digested into my mind.

Hope is lost.

Familiarity is overrated.

What is left?