Whore?

I just feel like crying.

My life is so lonely.

Although I'm loved by many people,

I feel like I'm alone and there's nothing I can do about it.

Guys make me feel like that.

At one point, I get my hopes up and then they

tear them down.

I'm even considering being a slut but where

would that get me?

Nowhere.

Guys and girls would constantly talk behind my back.

Sometimes I probably wouldn't get that lucky.

The guy I did/do like said this to me:

"well I did think I liked you but I didn't want to say I did till I knew you better but now I honestly think just friends would be better for both of us:/"

Yeah. That sucked.

I can't get any guy and it is really tearing my head apart.

Yeah, I'm only 14 but still, I just feel pressure.

Not only from my friends but I put on this

pressure that I can't even handle.

I want to scream.

I want to fall.

I want to leave and start over again.

Life for me right now is just going down.

Why is it that when my best friends

like a guy, they instantaneously like them back?

I could only be so fortunate.

They love the fact that they can get any guy

with their beauty and personality.

The only personality I have is boring.

I smile to make sure

that other people are having a good day.

I smile so that my pain is hidden so far away that

I'm not even sure what is going through my mind.

My head over analyzes things to the extent

that I scare people away with my mind.

All I want is a boyfriend.

One that I can depend on,

one that will tell the truth,

one that will like me even on my bad days.

My best friend has so many problems

in her relationship but guess what?

Those are all because she takes

things too far.

I don't want that to happen.

But then again this is her first relationship.

I just...need to have love.

Love around me.

I feel so empty.

Nothing is being digested into my mind.

Hope is lost.

Familiarity is overrated.

What is left?

I'm....I'm back?

Oh mah guudness.

It's been ages since I've posted here hasn't it?

Things are a lot different since back in Middle School.

More people making out;

more jealousy;

more homework;

more EVERYTHING.

Well I must say one little thing.

Or rant about it for that matter.

I have this best friend named Autumn.

She's GORGEOUS, laid back, just in general a great person.

Last year she was VERY back-offish and didn't get pro-active

with many things.

Well, she's got a lot of friends and a guy finally likes her!

I'm so happy for her and the guy but then I got selfish

and thought to myself, "What about me?"

Honestly, I have no idea why I'm so selfish.

I've liked the same guy for 3 months straight and so far,

nothing has happened.

Which is when I start feeling sad and all "woe is me"

and it's crap.

It truly is crap.

Guys are such complicated people.

Especially this guy.

He's so complex and different.

Maybe that's why I like him?

I don't really see why I haven't gotten a REAL

boyfriend yet.

Even my step brother has gotten a girlfriend.

He and I (Me and the guy I like) are UNSURPRISINGLY

in band together.

He just...is practically perfect for me.

Sad thing is, I have a feeling that he thinks I'm some

strange girl who is overly hyperactive and annoying.

I just want to go out with him so badly!!!!!!!

I'm pathetic, I know.

One of his friends knows I like him but I told him to

keep it a secret and that quite possibly was a mistake.

I'm pretty darn shy when it comes to liking guys.

Anyways, off to a new subject, drama is going a lot

better than I thought it would.

I'm not too bad of an actress but we've only

pantomimed and we're onto improv now.

It's just so natural, so easy.

Like my clarinet :)

We've finished our third segment in band yesterday.

I tripped on my dinkles (marching shoe) today.

The senior behind me couldn't stop laughing XD

We were supposed to do something with our hats

in the second segment but...I guess not?

We ran the entire (8-9 min.) show today...twice.

I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life.

And, random thought here, have you ever

asked a question to somebody

but you know they got lost

halfway through your question,

yet you still finish it only for them to ask

"Whaaaaaa?"

My step mom does that ALL the time.

Also, she only responds to what I say

with, "Ooooohhh" and, "I see."

I think I might do the

stray off to an astronaut eating corn

without a helmet story to see if

she actually pays attention :)

And my grandma has ovarian cancer :(

She had surgery so I'm not sure

if it's all gone or not so I'll get back to ya.

Well that's about all for now.

More in mind but I have three projects

to do XP Busy little bee now.

ADIOSSS!!!