Sigh.
Things have been odd.
See, well, it's hard to explain.
I've reeeeeeeeeeally been obsessing over guys lately.
And not like before, oh heck no.
Now, I'm actually like, flirty.
It's annoying.
But the thing is, no. hot. guys. here.
Or at least not my taste.
And like, the thing is, I'm not pretty enough for the guys I want because I'm not good enough, I'm not normal enough, I'm not happy enough.
Take Ethan for example.
Wait, he doesn't deserve the capital.
Rewrite: Take ethan for example.
He was my best friend for about a year,
he was mean and rude but he was still a good guy.
He listened to what I had to say,
he saw me as me,
he made me feel... normal and loved.
But of course, that's too good to believe.
No guy would ever do that without a catch.
He just completely, flat out told me that I was ugly and need to be better.
This might not sound so bad to you but I have a terrible self esteem.
He also called me a depressed annoying person but can I really help it?
I have the HARDEST time separating from those people who tend to be sad.
I also have the hardest time separating from the people who need me the most.
But do they really need me?
I mean, what's different from me and some other random girl on the street?
I'll let you answer that yourself.
I just have this feeling that if ethan were to read this,
my life would be over.
No idea why, but his opinion still matters to me.
WHY do I care so much about what people think?
It's only human, yeah, but why do I take it the wrong way?
I'm terrified of so many things and really, reaching out to people, POPULAR people,
scares me.
I have a little bubble.
See, my dad told me that the best way to be open is to be vulnerable.
And also, try to start over.
IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO START OVER IN THE SAME PLACE WHEN PEOPLE HATE YOU?!
People really do hate me.
I'm the most annoying sounding, bothersome, hideous, fat waste of time.
No wonder I've been single this whole time.
And each guy I like is afraid.
Makes sense that the ones who are extremely lonely like me.
Better than nothing, right?
I just need people to comment on this one.
Not just a comment that took you three minutes to think up.
I would like a long comment that came from your heart.
No cheesy stuff either.
Please :)
And Kyle, God has kept you alive because he has good things for you.
Think about life getting better and better from here,
nothing stopping you.
Please please please PLEASE, don't hurt yourself.
Also, don't let others hurt you.
You're special and deserve more than you've been getting.
I hope that you know God's been holding you in his arms, watching over you.
You're special and just watch out for yourself.
Love you "cousin".
God bless.
2 comments:
reading this made me think sooo hard about you. i don't understand how ethans mind works but i know that every word that came out of his mouth when he hurt you wasn't true. i realize that there's something about you that puts so many in aw. its something to do with the type of beauty you posses. you look so real and so natural and are the type of person that doesn't have to do anything extra for people to like you. who knows where i would be if i was straight forward with everything to everybody. today when we where playing as the entire band, i was having a miserable time being hot as hell and having ear splitting percussion 2 feet behind me, lightsy made a joke. being incredibly uncomfortable, i didn't even bother to listen. i looked at all of the people laughing and saw you. i saw a big ol grin and you leaned your head to the right. this made me grin about as large as you where. that is your kind of beauty :) <------- legit.
How could you think that wouldn't sound bad, even to people with high self esteem? Of COURSE it sounds bad, in fact, it's horrible, no matter how you feel about yourself. Honestly, I almost can't believe someone could say something like that. He listened, but obviously, he doesn't care. He's the type of person who seems to expect what he calls 'normal people' to be on very specific standards, therefore, he sees and appreciates no originality in any individual. Maybe your personality bothers him. Why else would he have the nerve to call you ugly, and tell you that you need to be better? As far as I can see, HE'S the one who needs to be better. He really needs an adjust with his judgment.
You're great just the way you are Jen, and I wouldn't change for anyone, no matter how weird or annoying or ugly people think you are. Most likely, he hasn't been through much and he's still really immature, so he can't relate to anyone who might be depressed about things. He still hasn't grown up yet. And you don't have to be 'vulnerable' to reach out to people. Remember when we started talking? You weren't necessarily being vulnerable, but you were willing to be friends with me. That's all there is to it, really.
I know exactly what you mean by the starting over thing when people hate you :/ That's kinda my situation. Unfortunately I haven't found a way out of it, it's really aggravating when people expect it to be that easy, when it's really not. -_-
Now might not be the right time to start over then, but when you see an opportunity to make things better, go for it. I'm not going to say "oh don't let what people say hurt you. words dont hurt" because that's not true. WORDS don't hurt, but their meaning does. I get my feelings hurt very easily and I'm sensitive to what people think of me. I can't really help that, and neither can a lot of people. In my book, I think you're a wonderful person, and you don't need to change a bit. It's our different imperfections that make us perfect. If everyone was perfect, then technically, no one would be.
Wow it took me nearly an hour and a half to type this >.< I can only type with one hand, so it's a little difficult. But I worked hard. Jen, my life could get better, or it could get worse. I'm not even sure anymore. Life is a string of random events. I nearly died in a car accident not too long ago. I have a spinal injury, and I could still die from it. Whatever happens, I do hope for the best though and I'm aware that God has a plan for me. Thanks for that addition, it means a lot that someone cares, other than God.
Love you Jen. I hope my comment meant, if anything, at least something.
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