Something in life here just isn't right.
Life isn't the same,
people are changing,
everything is different than the first time.
Like when you first meet a person.
They can come off as nice and caring but then,
they turn evil and don't give
a darn about you.
I honestly feel like crap lately.
1, because I made a very close friend feel like crap,
2, because I haven't been able to be
myself anymore since he had the seizure,
and
3, I think I'm a boy repellant. o.O
Why does each post go to boys, I don't know.
But I'm going to rant on for a little bit.
Go on ahead and skip but I need to
let this out of my mind.
*sigh* OKAY!
Well, I feel lonely.
It's like, each friend I make, another one
leaves me.
I don't think I have any true friends
but I'm working on that.
Nobody is there to help except for two people.
That's it!
TWO.
And if that's bad enough, I'm a freshman
in high school,
who hasn't been kissed,
held a boy's hand,
or gone out with a guy.
My love life sucks.
Why do I spend so much time on
wanting to improve it?
Who the heck knows.
It's like,
girls can't help it.
See, the guy I like,
Tommie I think is his name,
was gone for two days.
I was sad and lonely but today,
he came back.
I had a burst of joy
and theeeen we didn't talk.
Why am I so PRUDE?!!?!!
Heck, even Phyleia and Lisa
have gone out with guys.
Phyleia isn't even a virgin...
anyways, me, guy, no.
The thing about me is,
if I like a guy,
part of me doesn't want to.
Only because I don't think
I could handle
being in a relationship.
It just looks like too much work.
My friends make it look easy.
I don't know why,
but whenever I convince myself
not to like a guy,
I end up getting jealous
seeing him able to go out
with all these other girls
who are way better than me
and I just quit.
Self esteem and I just don't work.
Confidence, I'm gaining.
I'm getting more outgoing
and it's working.
But if it's the guy I like,
you can just forget it.
AGH! I just want to keep talking
about the guy but I barely know him.
We have talked a couple of times
but he just doesn't seem interested.
Maybe I need to find some guide
on how to become irresistible.
Haha, yeah right.
Me, irresistible.
That's like telling a dog
to write a book like War and Peace.
Impossible.
Anyways, where was I?
Oh that's right,
my friend.
Look Kyle, I'm sorry.
I know I'm supposed to be different
and you're probably not reading this
but I'm sorry.
I never meant to make it seem like
I don't care.
Of course I care.
It's just that my problems and life
is overwhelming me!
There's no way to juggle your problems
and mine at the same time.
I know you need support
and I was there.
But now,
I don't know.
It's hard to give advice
when you don't know what to say.
Or how things work.
I know we aren't always perfect
but seriously,
I'm getting anxiety attacks now.
Life is screwing me in the butt.
My heart beat is going faster
whenever I am irritated
or just thinking or nervous.
Like the guy I like.
He makes my heart go faster
whenever I see him.
No way is it love but who knows.
Anyways, I'm sorry for making you mad
and sorry for being mean
and for not "caring" about you
and your life.
By the way,
blogging is my cure for anxiety.
I don't know how but it is.
So yeah, bye.
2 comments:
okay im sorry but...Life is screwing me in the butt.My heart beat is going faster. lololol sickkk. anyway... youalready are irrasistable. like me recieving a cookie and eating it like a slob in front of you, was just a metaphor for me wanting to talk to you in person. i think. any way. when i got home toda all i wanted to do was talk to you on facebook. unfortuanatly thats all i ever do cuz i kinda am a loser :) as far as love life advice goes, im a idiot. best advice is be confident. im like not to average but ive never said no to a girl (all 2 of them ;)) if she asks me out. but c'mon god put extra time into making you extra pretty and awsome. your much better looking than me and i know people like you! ( and i just put my foot in milk again... YAYYYY!
I never thought you didn't care, (referring to my blog entry) I just meant that in general, society just doesn't care.
And it was just an upsetting feeling to know that my close friends can get stressed out with my problems. I just lost it for a while. I also was upset because I knew I was worrying you too much when you had your own things to deal with. I'm not trying to come off as making your problems seem inferior or beg for pity.
I'm really not 'all there'. I freak out when I feel like my sources of comfort are leaving me. I know that wasn't your intention, but it's just the way I felt at first. I guess I didn't take a second to imagine how that all must have sounded to you.
You didn't make me feel bad, it was just the thought of yet losing something else I've grown fond of. It seems like all the things I like are getting taken from me.
But anyway, I should be apologizing.
You honestly have no clue how sorry I am. I've been kicking myself for days now. I'm psycho, seriously. I always have these odd battles raging in my mind for the longest time. I have such a hard time deciding on anything, because I'm afraid of being selfish.
I thought I would be selfish by calling you and worrying you with my problems. But yet, I would be selfish by keeping it from you. I didn't know what to do. The situation was maddening. I wanted to just scream. But I couldn't scream, because I would be selfish by waking up my family just because I was angry. I wanted to die. But I couldn't die, otherwise I'd be being selfish. I'm obsessed with being selfless. I'm so afraid of doing anything anymore, I don't even know what's right or wrong.
I don't know whether I should keep my mouth shut, or let it out. There are negative consequences for both. But what should I do? I really don't know. I drive myself MAD by thinking like this.
I really am so sorry. I hope you forgive me. I hope we can still be friends. And I should return the favor for being a friend. If you want to talk about anything, I'll listen. I do care. If I only talked about myself all the time, that would be selfish, and I wouldn't be doing my part of being a friend. I guess the human nature is just selfish. It feels good to talk about yourself, but yet you don't want to seem rude or selfish, because you're trying to consider the other person too. But you also want to hear about your friend because you care about them. We are just all born sinful, and selfishness is a part of it. I despise it. I fear it. It's my phobia. I want to be heard, everyone does. But I want to be considerate. Not because I'm forced to be, because I care also. People actually do me favors by telling me about theirselves. It keeps me from talking about myself too much, therefore keeping me from becoming the exact thing I'm afraid of: Selfish.
This is a really long comment. I don't even know if my comment makes sense, but I told you what was on my mind.
I'm sorry.
I hope we are still friends.
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