um

Good gracious I need to get better at this.

So much has been happening!!!

My life has been getting great lately,

things are actually starting to take it's start.

My friendships have been growing

and new ones have been planted.

Colorguard has been my cure.

All of the anger that I have been storing?

Yeah, it's been taken out just because you're supposed to be

fierce when you use your flag.

Oh man am I fierce.

I bet I'm going to be the first person to ever

break a pole XD

Anyways,

life has been very busy.

With drama,

color guard,

band,

and now photography.

They all sound fantastic

but when you have school,

it's so hard to focus on anything else.

Like school.

I'm barely passing 2-3 classes.

And it's worse than marching season.

I seriously have to step my game up or I'm screwed.

You know, I've really been thinking about modeling.

I don't get it because I'm really not all that pretty.

I just find it an easy way to get money.

Next, I really want to act.

Those two things are practically driving my life

and my mind.

I think about those SO much that I can't

pay attention to much else.

I'm basically in color guard to get a nice body.

I'm seeing a dermatologist because I want nice skin.

All of these factors are playing into a career that I could

be making plenty of money.

We'll all see how this plays out.

Time for hw!!!

Whore?

I just feel like crying.

My life is so lonely.

Although I'm loved by many people,

I feel like I'm alone and there's nothing I can do about it.

Guys make me feel like that.

At one point, I get my hopes up and then they

tear them down.

I'm even considering being a slut but where

would that get me?

Nowhere.

Guys and girls would constantly talk behind my back.

Sometimes I probably wouldn't get that lucky.

The guy I did/do like said this to me:

"well I did think I liked you but I didn't want to say I did till I knew you better but now I honestly think just friends would be better for both of us:/"

Yeah. That sucked.

I can't get any guy and it is really tearing my head apart.

Yeah, I'm only 14 but still, I just feel pressure.

Not only from my friends but I put on this

pressure that I can't even handle.

I want to scream.

I want to fall.

I want to leave and start over again.

Life for me right now is just going down.

Why is it that when my best friends

like a guy, they instantaneously like them back?

I could only be so fortunate.

They love the fact that they can get any guy

with their beauty and personality.

The only personality I have is boring.

I smile to make sure

that other people are having a good day.

I smile so that my pain is hidden so far away that

I'm not even sure what is going through my mind.

My head over analyzes things to the extent

that I scare people away with my mind.

All I want is a boyfriend.

One that I can depend on,

one that will tell the truth,

one that will like me even on my bad days.

My best friend has so many problems

in her relationship but guess what?

Those are all because she takes

things too far.

I don't want that to happen.

But then again this is her first relationship.

I just...need to have love.

Love around me.

I feel so empty.

Nothing is being digested into my mind.

Hope is lost.

Familiarity is overrated.

What is left?

I'm....I'm back?

Oh mah guudness.

It's been ages since I've posted here hasn't it?

Things are a lot different since back in Middle School.

More people making out;

more jealousy;

more homework;

more EVERYTHING.

Well I must say one little thing.

Or rant about it for that matter.

I have this best friend named Autumn.

She's GORGEOUS, laid back, just in general a great person.

Last year she was VERY back-offish and didn't get pro-active

with many things.

Well, she's got a lot of friends and a guy finally likes her!

I'm so happy for her and the guy but then I got selfish

and thought to myself, "What about me?"

Honestly, I have no idea why I'm so selfish.

I've liked the same guy for 3 months straight and so far,

nothing has happened.

Which is when I start feeling sad and all "woe is me"

and it's crap.

It truly is crap.

Guys are such complicated people.

Especially this guy.

He's so complex and different.

Maybe that's why I like him?

I don't really see why I haven't gotten a REAL

boyfriend yet.

Even my step brother has gotten a girlfriend.

He and I (Me and the guy I like) are UNSURPRISINGLY

in band together.

He just...is practically perfect for me.

Sad thing is, I have a feeling that he thinks I'm some

strange girl who is overly hyperactive and annoying.

I just want to go out with him so badly!!!!!!!

I'm pathetic, I know.

One of his friends knows I like him but I told him to

keep it a secret and that quite possibly was a mistake.

I'm pretty darn shy when it comes to liking guys.

Anyways, off to a new subject, drama is going a lot

better than I thought it would.

I'm not too bad of an actress but we've only

pantomimed and we're onto improv now.

It's just so natural, so easy.

Like my clarinet :)

We've finished our third segment in band yesterday.

I tripped on my dinkles (marching shoe) today.

The senior behind me couldn't stop laughing XD

We were supposed to do something with our hats

in the second segment but...I guess not?

We ran the entire (8-9 min.) show today...twice.

I don't think I've ever been so tired in my life.

And, random thought here, have you ever

asked a question to somebody

but you know they got lost

halfway through your question,

yet you still finish it only for them to ask

"Whaaaaaa?"

My step mom does that ALL the time.

Also, she only responds to what I say

with, "Ooooohhh" and, "I see."

I think I might do the

stray off to an astronaut eating corn

without a helmet story to see if

she actually pays attention :)

And my grandma has ovarian cancer :(

She had surgery so I'm not sure

if it's all gone or not so I'll get back to ya.

Well that's about all for now.

More in mind but I have three projects

to do XP Busy little bee now.

ADIOSSS!!!

Obsessive much?

I'm not dead.

I swear :)

Or at least not yet any ways.

Stinkin allergies have been getting to me.

That, boys, and band.

Soooo, boys :) One in particular is seriously confusing me.

Like, I like him, I don't know if he knows that but I just...do.

On the bus Friday (football game), I sat next to him

and his friends were teasing me about him and I making a cute couple.

And to make babies (WHAT?!?!?).

His friends are pretty dang cool people.

Anyways, on the way back I think, Nick (his friend) mouths to me "you might not like him but he likes you." Now, I know that's supposed to be a dead giveaway but seriously, I'm new to the whole guy-liking-me-friend-telling-me thing. I'm a by-nature skeptic. Just ask any of my teachers. I'd be a wonderful scientist. The thing is, I just don't believe anything without testing it out first. I don't believe that mighty putty can keep two trucks held together unless I see it for myself. So that's why I have a hard time thinking that any guy, especially the one I like a LOT, would return the favor.

But hey, I'm better than this girl who pretty much stalks him.

He not really stalks me but that's okay.

At least he approached me today instead of the other way around.

Gah, I'm a little obsessed. I think I may need to shut myself out.

ahaha yeah right.

So band has been going good, I'll post a video about the bus ride to the game on friday night I think and I'll make sure he's in the video :) Hope you are doin good and I have homework to do so bye!

Band party? Whaaaa?

Ha ha, I just love the title.

The band party

(aka first high school party w/o booze)

was extremely fun!

lots of people were there and

nobody was drunk :D

YAYZERZ!!!

I'm so proud of us bandies

for not being alcoholics :)

Sorry

that

I

type

like

this.

My stinkin background

prevents me from having long

line sentences.

It's uber lamespice.

I hope this will work a lot better.

Anyways, soooooo yeah, party.

It was kind of interesting.

Me, Nick, and "Tommie" (Woo!) all just sat around and talked.

For four straight hours.

Nobody took a bathroom break.

I was amazed.

That was the highlight of my summer,

next to the terrible band tan I got from the last day.

You guys should see it.

But it kind of hurts...

So my mom has told me that she's moving to a Carolina,

not sure if it's north or south. o.O

But she's going there from Arizona (Tucson to be exact)

and it's going to be a pretty large change.

I just have a feeling it'll be suckish for her,

probably no Korean markets in (insert direction here) Carolina.

Why isn't there a west or east Carolina?

I just can't fathom it.

Oh and tomorrow or today, the 22nd,

my dad's company is having a barbeque (because what

else is there to do in Texas?) at the house.

Here.

Ugh!

Because people means cleaning and cleaning

means stressed out step mother which means

angry Jen.

It's not too bad though.

I can still text people :)

By the way, I just realized something.

I'm better at getting close to guys I like than my friends.

Isn't that kind of sad?

Not really because they end up with the guy,

but I end up with a new friend.

I'm pro active!

So not the acne schtuff.

I made three new friends tonight!

Very proud of myself.

Have you guys ever watched "The Nanny"?

I love the show.

No idea why though.

Maybe it's the nasalness of Fran Drescher.

I think that's her last name.

Ahh, who cares.

It's getting pretty late so off to bed I go!

By the way,

Nancy Face, (can I call you that?)

you are probably the coolest mom ever.

Not like my mom but you're getting there :)

(Just can't beat the woman who held you

for 9 months, sorry)

And YAY SCHOOL!

BLAGGHHHHHH

In the butt

Something in life here just isn't right.

Life isn't the same,

people are changing,

everything is different than the first time.

Like when you first meet a person.

They can come off as nice and caring but then,

they turn evil and don't give

a darn about you.

I honestly feel like crap lately.

1, because I made a very close friend feel like crap,

2, because I haven't been able to be

myself anymore since he had the seizure,

and

3, I think I'm a boy repellant. o.O

Why does each post go to boys, I don't know.

But I'm going to rant on for a little bit.

Go on ahead and skip but I need to

let this out of my mind.

*sigh* OKAY!

Well, I feel lonely.

It's like, each friend I make, another one

leaves me.

I don't think I have any true friends

but I'm working on that.

Nobody is there to help except for two people.

That's it!

TWO.

And if that's bad enough, I'm a freshman

in high school,

who hasn't been kissed,

held a boy's hand,

or gone out with a guy.

My love life sucks.

Why do I spend so much time on

wanting to improve it?

Who the heck knows.

It's like,

girls can't help it.

See, the guy I like,

Tommie I think is his name,

was gone for two days.

I was sad and lonely but today,

he came back.

I had a burst of joy

and theeeen we didn't talk.

Why am I so PRUDE?!!?!!

Heck, even Phyleia and Lisa

have gone out with guys.

Phyleia isn't even a virgin...

anyways, me, guy, no.

The thing about me is,

if I like a guy,

part of me doesn't want to.

Only because I don't think

I could handle

being in a relationship.

It just looks like too much work.

My friends make it look easy.

I don't know why,

but whenever I convince myself

not to like a guy,

I end up getting jealous

seeing him able to go out

with all these other girls

who are way better than me

and I just quit.

Self esteem and I just don't work.

Confidence, I'm gaining.

I'm getting more outgoing

and it's working.

But if it's the guy I like,

you can just forget it.

AGH! I just want to keep talking

about the guy but I barely know him.

We have talked a couple of times

but he just doesn't seem interested.

Maybe I need to find some guide

on how to become irresistible.

Haha, yeah right.

Me, irresistible.

That's like telling a dog

to write a book like War and Peace.

Impossible.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh that's right,

my friend.

Look Kyle, I'm sorry.

I know I'm supposed to be different

and you're probably not reading this

but I'm sorry.

I never meant to make it seem like

I don't care.

Of course I care.

It's just that my problems and life

is overwhelming me!

There's no way to juggle your problems

and mine at the same time.

I know you need support

and I was there.

But now,

I don't know.

It's hard to give advice

when you don't know what to say.

Or how things work.

I know we aren't always perfect

but seriously,

I'm getting anxiety attacks now.

Life is screwing me in the butt.

My heart beat is going faster

whenever I am irritated

or just thinking or nervous.

Like the guy I like.

He makes my heart go faster

whenever I see him.

No way is it love but who knows.

Anyways, I'm sorry for making you mad

and sorry for being mean

and for not "caring" about you

and your life.

By the way,

blogging is my cure for anxiety.

I don't know how but it is.

So yeah, bye.

Boys and mascara...

Whooo, almost exactly two weeks until the football game! AHH!!!!

Excitedness is flowing through my veins.

So, as any average 14 year old girl would do,

I shall talk about he who shall stay unnamed. (Which makes him sound like Voldemort :O)

Wait, that's too much to type so how about...

Bruce.

Ha ha, nevermind, that makes me think of a penguin.

I shall name you Tommie thanks to a random name generator.

The first name that showed up on the generator was Lowell which is like, gayspice so yeah...

ANYways...

Tommie.

haha.

I talked to him today :)

Don't you just love how us teenage girls are happy just talking to a guy they like?

Back to the story,

I looked at his itouch and was like happy the entire time.

You wanna know why?

He likes the same barely known bands I do.

And I'm not talking about

how you only like one song by someone,

oh heckz naw.

He had ALBUMS upon ALBUMS.

That made me swoon. A lot.

Apparently he was in the same awe as me

because he was looking at me like,

"Oh my gosh you know them too?!"

And he actually said something close to that.

"Oh my gosh, you actually know who they are?!"

I believe is what he said.

So after that,

we're pretty much cool with each other :D

For some reason,

music tells a lot about a person to me.

I look at the music before I get to meet them

and somehow today

at band camp

we were allowed to listen to our ipods/zunes

so God, thank you.

Later on in the day,

I was sitting next to two people who I haven't seen all summer (they went to a different school).

They are both really nice people and they also like guys or are obsessed to say it better.

As we were talking about guys, (common subject),

I casually mentioned I've never been kissed on the lips

or cheek,

and I've never really dated a guy before.

After I told them that,

their eyes went like this:

O.O .

I was a tad scared at that point.

After I said that,

they start complimenting me like,

oh gosh you're so pretty and all that stuff.

I don't know why they need to lie to me...

Eh, but they feel like they need to make up for the

"pain" I'm feeling.

I'm feeling pain alright

and that's my shoulders because

I've been holding a clarinet up pretty high

...for the past three weeks.

The thing is,

I'm okay with not having ever dated a guy.

It's too much trouble

and I see what it does to my friends.

They end up coming to me

so what do I do if I need help?

In reality,

they're great friends

but they see me as this strong person

who can't be broken.

Seeing me cry will just screw everything up.

Which is my my conversation

ends up about the other person

(because, seriously,

who doesn't like talking about themselves?)

and that's the "end" of my guy problems.

Nobody listens because I don't allow them to.

My friends really couldn't care less what I do

as long as I help them except for Autumn.

She's the one friend that will always be there for me.

And that makes me happy.

I guess us dorks need to stick together:)

Ahh, this is why I like having a blog.

It gives me the chance to tell someone

how I'm doing

but I don't have to do it with seeming selfish.

I can say I as many times I want

because this is about me.

Not you and your problems, but ME.

Do you have any idea how good it feels

to say that for once it's about me?

I'm always interrupted by my family

and evil step mother.

They don't care what I say

because what I say isn't important

unless it includes die in it or suicide.

Thanks for reading,

it really means a lot to know someone cares

about what I have to say.

I've been typing nonstop XD

I don't feel like stopping

but I'll just save it for tomorrow at band :D

Adios muchachos!

Time for a change (SO not Obama XP)

You know, I think band is my cure.

I've been more outgoing and crazy than...in my little shell.

Band is surely what I needed to somewhat help me in life.

I know that's geeky but hey, I try :)

I haven't really been up to much lately just:

1) Band camp

2)Listening to music

3) Looking everywhere for that GNARLY wristband

4) Slowly giving up on finding that GNARLY wristband

5) Enjoying life

6) Being with friends

7) Looking at some awesomespice band shirts (other type of band.

Look atthis one!!!

Coolspice, huh? :) It's a large though...

gunna have to uber shrink it :P)

8) Liking a guy

You know, it's hard work liking a guy you know.

No lie.

It's like, guys are aliens when you start liking one,

but if you're their friend,

it's not hard to understand them at all.

Ah well I think this guy is going to think I'm some sort of weirdo.

You know what?

On thursday when Mr. Stephenson was talking,

I was staring at the floor and saw his face in the carpet design then shook my head like a crazy woman and blinked a lot

to get his face out of my mind and

yeah o.O

I wonder who saw that...

So the band "concert" was totally hilarious.

When they were calling the section leaders or announcing them,

they called Maranda and barely anyone cheered.

That was like, the highlight of my week.

Sort of.

I realized that I acted like her.

I probably still might.

And frankly, I don't want that.

She's so stuck up and rude and in your face crazy.

Not a fan but I'd rather get on her good side if I'm going to be sitting next to her during marching season.

Hmm...I'm talking a lot lately.

A lot and at 50 mph.

Before, people used to think I was high

or something because I would speak slowly.

That was only because I needed to think before

I spoke but now I don't really care.

Yeah that's kind of bad but maybe it's already programmed in my head so there's no reason to think a lot.

Who knows.

For some reason,

I have headphones on and listening to music and whenever there's silence I type really slowly and quietly.

It's pretty late.

But still,

that doesn't mean people can hear my typing...

or music...

G. I. Joe wasn't all too bad.

Could've been better,

you know.

It just dragged on until the very last thread.

But at least the people somewhat next to me

were enjoying the movie.

cough making out cough.

I'm actually surprised that Ariana

of all people was tongue wrestling with some kid.

She has some sort of obsession with younger guys o.O

For me,

guys my age are wayyyy better.

Not older,

not younger

but just right.

I remember 7th grade

when Brianna Hashbarger was asking Ariana and I

about our virginities.

Aka relationship ones.

This actually made me laugh.

I think you know why.

If you don't,

it's because I've never even been in a relationship

so it pretty much didn't include me.

Anyways,

Bri asked us if we've ever frenched kissed or tongue virgins.

I said,

"Well duh. Never even been in a relationship"

Laughter.

Ariana, "Yeah *giggle*."

Then Ariana whispered in my ear, "I really haven't hahahahaha. I just don't wanna seem like a loser."

Boy things can change fast.

Well I feel like I'm rambling on and on and on.

Anyways, my loser self and I are going to bed :)

Comment por favor :D

Tired of everything. Why can't I just shut UP?!

Sigh.

Things have been odd.

See, well, it's hard to explain.

I've reeeeeeeeeeally been obsessing over guys lately.

And not like before, oh heck no.

Now, I'm actually like, flirty.

It's annoying.

But the thing is, no. hot. guys. here.

Or at least not my taste.

And like, the thing is, I'm not pretty enough for the guys I want because I'm not good enough, I'm not normal enough, I'm not happy enough.

Take Ethan for example.

Wait, he doesn't deserve the capital.

Rewrite: Take ethan for example.

He was my best friend for about a year,

he was mean and rude but he was still a good guy.

He listened to what I had to say,

he saw me as me,

he made me feel... normal and loved.

But of course, that's too good to believe.

No guy would ever do that without a catch.

He just completely, flat out told me that I was ugly and need to be better.

This might not sound so bad to you but I have a terrible self esteem.

He also called me a depressed annoying person but can I really help it?

I have the HARDEST time separating from those people who tend to be sad.

I also have the hardest time separating from the people who need me the most.

But do they really need me?

I mean, what's different from me and some other random girl on the street?

I'll let you answer that yourself.

I just have this feeling that if ethan were to read this,

my life would be over.

No idea why, but his opinion still matters to me.

WHY do I care so much about what people think?

It's only human, yeah, but why do I take it the wrong way?

I'm terrified of so many things and really, reaching out to people, POPULAR people,

scares me.

I have a little bubble.

See, my dad told me that the best way to be open is to be vulnerable.

And also, try to start over.

IT IS ALMOST IMPOSSIBLE TO START OVER IN THE SAME PLACE WHEN PEOPLE HATE YOU?!

People really do hate me.

I'm the most annoying sounding, bothersome, hideous, fat waste of time.

No wonder I've been single this whole time.

And each guy I like is afraid.

Makes sense that the ones who are extremely lonely like me.

Better than nothing, right?

I just need people to comment on this one.

Not just a comment that took you three minutes to think up.

I would like a long comment that came from your heart.

No cheesy stuff either.

Please :)

And Kyle, God has kept you alive because he has good things for you.

Think about life getting better and better from here,

nothing stopping you.

Please please please PLEASE, don't hurt yourself.

Also, don't let others hurt you.

You're special and deserve more than you've been getting.

I hope that you know God's been holding you in his arms, watching over you.

You're special and just watch out for yourself.

Love you "cousin".

God bless.

Smoochy?

Today’s post is going to be a little girly today. It’s about guys.

Everyone wants to have their first kiss before they’re too old and you don’t want it so early that people would call you bad names and you end up badly.

See, I haven’t had my first kiss yet.

I know, shocker (not really).

It just bothers me that I go to the movies and see actors and they have two people kiss like it’s super easy.

Well, it probably is but I think I may have a little phobia.

It’s just that, I’m afraid of giving away something special to someone who won’t even care.

Yet, it’s something that I envy of other people and thrive for because before I know it, I’ll end up single forever.

Heck, I haven’t even had a boyfriend yet.

What’s so wrong about me liking a guy?

The guy always just calls me ugly, fat, drug addict, and annoying then just walks away with some girl he asked out at that moment.

Not that that’s happened or anything.

Boys are always on our minds.

Teenage girls, adult women, we all think about them.

Nothing means more to us than a valuable guy who will be faithful and be nice and caring. A good cuddle wouldn’t hurt either.

Anyways, these girls at my school all tend to go through relationships and life like toilet paper.

There are those girls that are stoners and drink a lot and cut every now and then who don’t have high standards.

Then there are those girls who are very preppy and can get any guy they want, especially the hot ones, and rub it in people’s faces. That’s all good until you break up in two hours.

All I want is a decent guy who looks put together and is preppy/skater-ish.

That’s not much, right?

Ha ha, there’s much more.

I like guys who are involved in their academics, like, they’re smart and don’t slack off, athletic ones who could pick me up if there’s a mud puddle, guys who aren’t judgmental of girls who may be a little on the heavy side and has a face full of acne, and lastly, I want a guy who isn’t caught up in drama and just likes to relax.

Blonde haired blue eyes approximately 6 feet tall would be great.

Actually, I saw the perfect guy today at the mall. He was really nice and wasn’t mean. He seemed like he was pretty athletic and he green eyes you could just see yourself in them. He had the perfect smile, the friendliest laugh and was just perfect! Sounds wonderful huh? It was. Except that I don’t live in Boulder, CO. Ugh. Why do people torture me??? Why can’t guys in Texas be more like the guys here? It’s so relaxing here and that’s ideal for someone who lives in a very busy household.

Anyways, back to kissing, I swear, I’m the only girl who hasn’t had her first kiss. Why? Afraid, anxious, I have pretty high standards, I’m introverted, and I’m not attractive in any way, shape, or form. Yeah I’m a nice person but that doesn’t get you anywhere. Nothing hurts more in my heart than hearing 8 year olds saying how great this guy was at making out. I heard that today.

It stung a little bit.

I haven’t even held hands with a guy. I’ve given hugs, but no hand holding.

Or cheek kisses.

Or footsies.

OR any guy asking me if he wanted to hang out.

How come Nick Schrack can get a girl even though he smells bad, he’s rude to girls, and he’s mean to everybody.

My sister was in 7^th grade when she first went out with a guy.

My oldest sister was a sophomore but she’s gorgeous so I’m actually shocked.

That just justifies me being a sad nobody who can’t get a good guy.

Why I can’t lower my standards you may ask.

Well, I know this will sound shallow, but I’m afraid of losing what little reputation I have and I don’t want to seem desperate (although I kind of am).

You know what?

It bothers me when girls complain about two guys who like her and she doesn’t know who to go out with.

SERIOUSLY?!

And also, it sucks when a girl goes out with a guy a good 5 times to realize that she liked his best friend and then she cheats on them.

UGH.

Well, hopefully I’m going to be the ugly duckling.

I hate the fact that I’m so ugly that I get nobody, I probably scare people.

Great for Halloween.

Maybe I’ll turn out to be this gorgeous supermodel that people envy.

Or a trailer wife who lives with her 29 cats.

Never know.

Why do people only envy me of my intelligence?

Really, I want to know.

Is there nothing better to me?

I hate being tall.

Lucky you, you’re short.

Intelligence is something that you can gain so does that make me not special?

An average geek who has nothing interesting to her life?

That’s what sucks about being such a private person.

People think they can read me but what’s going on inside my head is completely different from the outside.

If only you knew.

If only you understood.

If only you cared.

Too many if’s follow my life.

BTW, I wrote this in Colorado. I couldn't get a decent signal to post it and completely forgot about it. So yeah :)